Problems with my new piece

I have mentioned before my intentions of writing a piece for a friend who is a sopranist. I was fascinated with his voice because he can reach really high notes but he also has a very nice tenor voice, and he can also do weird and very interesting effects with his voice. Together with that, I came across two very interesting texts, which I wanted to use for something. These were the Emerald Tablet (Tabula Smaragdina) and the Prophecy of the Seeress (Völuspá). I also had the idea of writing a bigger-scale work than I have written before, for at least 5 musicians, including voice. All these ideas merged into one, but I still have lots of problems with this. 

The first problem is that I am still undecisive about which text to use in the piece. Both texts I chose are very interesting in terms of both content and language. Both are pretty long (the Völuspá is really long, but I intended to make a selection anyway) and both deal in some way with ancient worldviews. I still find myself going from one to the other in my mind, unable to make a choice. I think it is because I feel this would be the only opportunity I have to write a work using either text, which doesn't necessarily have to be so. I could use the unused text in a different occasion. 

The second problem is in terms of harmonic language. I find myself constantly recurring to a kind of film-like, dorian (more like the first church-mode) harmonic context, which I feel very unsure of. It feels somewhat unavoidable for the kind of music I want to write and yet I also have the impression that I shouldn't write it in this style because it would be resorting to cliché. But then again, I can use old techniques and still be myself, can I not? I am not copying anyone, I am using some tools to achieve my aims. I think what stops me most from writing this piece is the constant internal battle I have regarding the harmonic language I want to use and the harmonic language I feel I should use. 

And here I want to extend a bit on this. I think this has been one of my firecest internal battles in terms of the music I write. I have grown to reject the typical Hollywood-action-blockbuster soundtrack with my soul, because I think they always resort to the same kind of sound, the same chords, the same orchestration for the same special effects, the same chase sequences, the same building-destroying shots and so on. That being said, I also feel that my harmonic sensitivities are always on the tonal side. I have colleagues who can write very "modern-sounding" music with the greates naturality. I, on the other hand, love melodies and chords. I don't mean to say I dislike music that doesn't have this; some of my favorite composers couldn't be considered "tonal" by a far stretch, but still I seem to fail at every attempt I take to try this. I think it is simply because of a lack of interest in this, it sounds "ugly" to my ears when I do it, I feel that, to write this music, one has to come up with some sort of system, which I still haven't discovered. Every time I try to write something outside the tonal system or some weird stretch of it, I feel lost and usually the results are less from satisfying.

From this I have come to the conclusion that, in this period of my life, I am either not ready or not willing to leave the tonal area and its surroundings (large as they are, they are not eternal). I need to find a way of making it my own; I need to understand what can I do with it, in which ways I can stretch it to fit my needs of expression, order but also restraint and apparent lack of order.

I leave you to what I consider to be one of the most wonderful solutions to this problem in the history of music: Igor Stravinsky's Rite of Spring (choreography by Pina Bausch)

Being home

A couple of weeks ago, I came back to Chile for the summer vacations. Apart from the fact that I got a really bad cold that has lasted already exactly a week, it has been a very nice, quiet and relaxed time. At first, I must say I had mixed feelings about coming back for the vacations. I mean, there was no choice, the tickets were bought, but still I felt kind of uneasy coming back home after living alone for so long, it is always difficult to get used again to being again under your parents' roof (with all that entails) after you have had so much time making your own decisions and choices.

It was a good time, though. I have rested a lot and slept a lot, both because I have vacations and because my mom cooks (she cooks delicious also) and I also don't have to worry (too much, at least) about cleaning and stuff like that. Also, I don't share the same vacation period as my friends that study here, since here they are already beginning their second semester of classes, so I have a lot of time to myself, and time with my mom. 

This has served me to reflect upon how my previous year in The Hague was, and what can I learn from it in order to have an even better second year starting this September. 

The first thing I realized was that this previous year I was not as focused in my studies as I would have liked to be. This doesn't mean at all that I wasn't focused, just that maybe I got distracted more often than I would have liked and that I could have been more productive in my studies. For this, I need this year to be more organized with the use of my time and also be more strict with myself, not letting myself be lazy (which is one of my biggest problems). This year I will also be having violin lessons, so I need to be organized enough to have time to compose, study and practice violin. 

The second thing is that I didn't manage my living budget very well, so I sometimes spent more than I should have. This overspending was basically due to two things: food and travel. It's not that I ate lots and lots, but that I ate out more than I should (i.e. more than my budget allowed) and I travelled aproximately once every two months, This, of course, meant I spent much more money than I was meant to on a given month. To fix this, I need to travel less and cook my own meals as much as possible. By doing this I will reduce very much my expenses. On top of this, I plan to look for some sort of part-time job to also have a small income to help finance this (my study visa allows for a maximum of 10 hours a week of work, which I think is also the amount of time I will have to work anyway). 

The third thing is that I realized that, despite all my efforts, I gained weight and started developing a belly (oh the horror). This I think is also related to my eating habits, which were a bit too disorganized and also due to the fact that I was not so consistent in my gym-goings. So this year I will try to cook my own meals to eat healthier and also go to the gym at least three times a week, maybe occasionally going out biking long distances on weekends and holidays. 

So this was my little reflection about my last year, and the three points I wanted to improve for next year. I hope I can make it, but even if I make a small progress towards this ideal, I will feel accomplished. It's all about being organized in the end.